For my first articles of 2019, I wanted to share some valuable information that can have an impact in every area of your life. The topic I chose is Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies. This is a framework that she created and I find very helpful. It is useful for me working with my clients but also dealing with myself and those around me.
This first article will describe what the Four Tendencies are and then next week I will present how you can use this information.
The Four Tendencies is a framework that shows how you respond to expectations. There are:
internal or inner expectations (things you decide and expect for yourself) and
external or outer expectations that come from other people.
Gretchen Rubin has written a whole book about this, The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles that Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (And Other People’s Lives Better, Too). I recommend the book but I wanted to share this concept and her free quiz and resources because I believe it can be valuable in helping each of us know and understand ourselves better.
Rubin presents and discusses “The Four Tendencies” as:
Upholder – Meets both outer and inner expectations. Their “moto” is “Discipline is my freedom.”
Questioner – Resists outer expectations, Meets inner expectations –> “I’ll comply-if you convince me why.”
Obligier – Meets outer expectations, Resists inner expectations –> “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”
Rebel – Resists both outer and inner expectations. –> “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”
If you know and understand how you respond to expectations you can then create systems to help you achieve what you want.
Obligier is the most common tendency. Rubin said about 60% of the population are Obligiers. An obligier is someone that generally meets an expectation if someone else gives them a deadline or a coach or team is holding you accountable for it. Many obligiers are greatly helped by coaches because the coach provides the outer expectations that “make” them do things they can’t force themselves to do on their own.
Obligiers highly value meeting commitments to others. They are most successful when given supervision, accountability, and deadlines. Obligiers often struggle with saying “No” to other people’s requests. Eventually many feel resentful and burned out. The key strategy for habit change with an Obligier is creating external accountability. This means creating an outer expectation that they need to meet such as a deadline on a specific task.
Questioner is the next most common tendency. These are people who once they understand and agree with the reason for something, then they will do it. Questioners do not like or follow rules just because they exist. They will follow a rule if they agree with the logic and reasoning behind it. They question all expectations and meet them only if they feel they are justified. Questioners often ask a lot of questions trying to understand the reason for something. They do not blindly follow. The key strategy for habit change for Questioners is clarity – internally understanding the justification and purpose for doing something.
Upholders are self-directed and do what they say they are going to do without outer accountability. Yet, they are also generally rule followers. Upholders enjoy their routine and structure. They are very disciplined and like getting things done. The key strategy for habit change for an Upholder is to schedule it and make it part of their routine or put it on their calendar.
Last but not least are the Rebels. They are the least common Tendency but so many people who have had a major impact in the world are Rebels. Rebels value freedom and choice and want to be able to express themselves. Their natural tendency is to resist doing something just because someone asked them to do it. They don’t respond well to supervision or advice. They may react well to a challenge: “I’ll show you.” Rebels may choose to act out of love or a belief in a cause. The key strategy for habit change for Rebels is identity, linking actions to their personal mission and a cause they feel strongly about.
Gretchen Rubin and I are both Upholders. No wonder I relate to and enjoy her work so much. I love my routine and discipline is a common word people use to describe me. When I was younger I thought that having discipline was a boring and unoriginal quality. I did not view it as a positive thing. But being self-disciplined has helped me accomplish many things. Learning about the Four Tendencies has helped me understand myself and others better. It has helped me recognize why so many people don’t do what they say they are going to do, and is another tool in my coaching tool box.
I want all of my clients to take the Four Tendencies Quiz so I know how they respond to expectations and how I can best help them. It is important to recognize that there is no best, better, or worst Tendency. You are what you are and once you understand your tendency you can work with it to help you achieve success. As with strengths, each tendency has its advantages and disadvantages especially when taken to an extreme.
Here is the link to Rubin’s Quiz:
https://gretchenrubin.com/books/the-four-tendencies/take-the-quiz/
I would love to hear what your tendency is. Next week I will talk about how you can use this information to help yourself in your life.
I hope learning what your tendency is will be of value as you start embarking on this new year and actually doing what YOU want to do – even more.
Best,
Tara
P.S. I hope you are still thinking about or maybe you have decided on your theme for 2019. I am still tossing around a few ideas. I like to give myself the month of January (if needed) to decide on my theme. My two top contenders are: “Learning, Loving and Living” or “Outer Order, Inner Calm.” (which is the title of Gretchen Rubin’s new book that is coming out.)
I would love to hear what your theme is or what your top theme ideas are.
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