How Are You REALLY Doing?

How are you Doing?  No, how are REALLY doing?

This is a question or a version of this question that gets asked A LOT in my household. 

How are you?  Are you okay? 

The trick and big difference is to give this question and its answer enough time and space to sincerely answer it.  Not to just give the one word expected answer of “fine,” “yes” or “Ok” (or lately, “surviving”) and then move on.  The norm is to ask the question as a quick check in and expect to be able to move on immediately.  The question is asked as a greeting, an automatic and polite habit.  The custom is to keep moving and not even give the appropriate time for a real answer. 

My norm and pattern is wrong on both sides of this question – just giving the quick, easy answer if asked, and also not giving the time for a sincere lengthy answer if the person answering the question wants to share more than expected.  I’m not drilling down for more of an answer when the quick one word answer is given. (Granted, we do not want to give the real lengthy answer to everyone that asks.)

So “How are you REALLY doing?” 

Please take at least 5 minutes and think about your answer to this question.  You get bonus points if you write down your answer.  🙂  (You can always destroy your paper afterwards if that gives you more freedom to write freely.)

I’m writing this as today’s topic because I love the idea of REALLY checking in and trying to answer this question in its entirety or at least more fully.  You can do it in a journal or with someone that you love and fully trust to be able to handle your complex and messy answer (or is that just me?).  Taking the time to inspect and try to name the feelings does take some time and effort but it is a worthwhile exercise.  Everything I am reading and learning (from Brené Brown’s books and Marc Bracket’s book, Permission to Feel:  Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive) also supports this recommendation. 

“How are you doing?” can be a challenging question to answer at any time but right now during the pandemic it is even more so, at least for me.  I have so many emotions going on at all times.  Different emotions relating to separate areas of my life and what is going on.  Some feelings I may be comfortable sharing, others not.  Then I have the voice in my head judging my emotions which adds another whole layer of complexity and secondary emotions on top of the original ones.

Most of us ignore our feelings until they overwhelm us.  And / or we ignore the ones we don’t want to feel.  We are ashamed to show our tears or express our fears and anxiety.  We sense when our friends or family are not comfortable with our sadness and overwhelming emotions or we beat ourselves up for feeling these emotions. 

Make the effort to notice and feel and then try to name the emotion(s).  Be with it / them.  Don’t judge.  Think about, “What can I learn from the emotion(s)?”  Ask, “Is there anything I can do to help me process and deal with this emotion?”  What is this emotion telling me?  Is there a lesson here? 

My recommendation and request is for each of us to take some time and truly think about and talk about and / or write about “How am I really doing?”  Yes, it changes minute to minute but carve out some time and name the emotions at least in that moment.  If you can, try to figure out (you may or may not be able to) why you are feeling that way.  Pull out the different threads of emotions.

I was taught and believe that there are no “bad” emotions.  They may not feel pleasant but emotions are just messengers trying to tell and teach us something.  We can’t hear the message and learn anything if we don’t listen and register what we are feeling regularly. 

My theme for 2020 is to listen.  Listening to myself and my emotions is what I am trying to focus on right now.  I would love for all of us to share how we are feeling AND give others the time and space to answer this question when asked.

Be well.  Sending lots of love and light during this uncertain and challenging time.

P.S  I have been listening and enjoying Brené Brown’s podcast “Unlocking Us” since the pandemic began.  I highly recommend it.  I have to give her credit here since this question and some of the thoughts behind it come from her.