This is the second article on the Four Tendencies. The first article discusses what the Four Tendencies are. I thought it was worth writing about The Four Tendencies because this framework has helped me understand myself and other people better. It can help you figure out how to get yourself and others to do what you want. If you know someone’s Tendency, a change in wording, setting a deadline or changing the way a request is presented can make a big difference.
Hopefully you took the time to find out which of the Four Tendencies you are. If not, here is the link again for the quiz:
https://gretchenrubin.com/books/the-four-tendencies/take-the-quiz/
So you know your Tendency, now what? How can you use this information?
First a couple of key points I want to mention:
Rubin says you are born with your tendency. It is not learned. It is not directly tied to other aspects of your personality such as being introverted or extraverted. It is just one specific aspect of your personality – how you respond to inner and outer expectations. You cannot be a mix of two tendencies. You cannot change your tendency.
What you CAN do is learn to be aware of, use and harness your tendency’s strengths and weaknesses to help get yourself to do what you want (better) AND also use this information to better understand other people and their differences from you.
So how can you use this information?
Obviously, we all are different. It is important to recognize that what works for me may not work for you even if we are the same tendency. Today I will present some examples and how people use this information to help themselves.
This framework is NOT to make you feel “labeled”, “limited,” pigeonholed or judged in any way. It is not to limit you or say what is not possible. I believe by understanding this framework you can accomplish more and more is possible.
Obliger is the most common tendency. Obligers are more likely to make time and do things for other people (external obligations) than they do for themselves (their inner expectations). A common phrase you hear from an Obliger is that they don’t have time to workout because they have too much to do or are giving 110% at work. I have a good friend who used to compete in athletics all through high school and college. She was at every practice and was a great leader and team member. For many decades after college she no longer consistently worked out. Then, she joined a Cross-Fit group and now works out consistently and loves it. She had to find a solution that worked for her. She feels an obligation to the group and it has made all the difference for her.
Rubin also gives the example where two friends each take one of the other person’s workout shoes so that the OTHER person cannot workout if they don’t show up. They don’t want to disappoint someone else, but they would be fine disappointing themselves.
Questioners question all expectations. They only meet expectations once they believe it is justified so essentially Questioners only respond to inner expectations that they agree with. Questioners often go into analysis paralysis. They keep gathering information and data and keep gathering more. They want to fully understand something before making a decision. If you know this about yourself or you work with a Questioner, you can help with this behavior by setting deadlines or deciding on a limit (i.e. I will interview 5 candidates not 10) or leveraging someone else’s expertise whose authority you trust.
Rubin talks about how a common question from Questioners is “How do I make myself do something that I think is stupid?” Even if the Questioner can’t convince themselves of the logic or reasoning for the expected action in and of itself, they may be able to shift the focus on WHY they need to do it for their OWN benefit. For example, if a teacher makes an assignment that the Questioner thinks is a waste of time, they may need to focus on the reason they should do it for themselves, like they want a good grade to help them to get into the college that they want. Questioners need to find and defend an inner expectation that makes sense for them.
Upholders are generally good about meeting both inner and outer expectations. They are self-directed and reliable. They do what they say they are going to do. Some of the Upholder’s weaknesses are that they can come across as unsympathetic or impatient with others who struggle to meet expectations on their own. Upholders may follow internal rules too extremely even when it is not logical, such as working out when they are sick. An upholder may struggle in a work environment where the schedule changes often or unexpectedly. Upholders love their routine and knowing what to expect so those who live or work with Upholders need to be aware of this.
If an Upholder wants to accomplish something or make a change, the strategy that works best for them is to schedule it. They need to figure out how to make it part of their routine and generally they will do it.
For Rebels, remember that they always want to think, “This is my choice.” They respond best to the sequence of: 1) provide information, 2) present the consequences and 3) let them make their choice. Trying to remind, nag, or force a Rebel to do something may actually backfire and cause them to dig their heals in and resist against what they feel you are trying to make them do because it no longer feels like it is their choice.
Gretchen Rubin provides many resources on her website including a Nutshell Guide or a Starter Kit to launch an accountability group, or an App called betterapp.us.
I recommend that you try to figure out what Tendency people are around you and how you can use this information to reduce frustrations with them or help you to communicate better with them. Think about how knowledge of your Tendency can be used to help you accomplish a goal or create a habit. There are lots of creative ways to use this information. I would love to hear how you use this material and how it has helped you.
Wishing you the very best,
Tara
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