I am not comfortable with conflict. I very much shy away from any controversy. My personality and one of my issues is that I am a people pleaser. I do not like to see people upset, so this concept of desiring “good controversy” sounded unnerving and undesirable to me.
The idea of good controversy was something that I read about in Priya Parker’s book, The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. This concept relates to being a good negotiator and also learning to “rethink” things.
So, why would we want controversy?
The definition for the word controversy is: “disagreement, typically when prolonged, public, and heated.” Parker talks about wanting controversy at our gatherings. First off, there are so many different types of gatherings, classes, workshops, meals, reunions, conferences, networking events, etc. Basically any time two or more people are together it can be defined as a gathering. Do we want controversy at all these types of gatherings?
One of the reasons she recommends desiring controversy is to uncover or bring out in the open feelings, thoughts or assumptions that are not being discussed. If we don’t talk about something (the elephant in the room), no progress is made. Often people know or sense there is a buried topic but are not brave enough to discuss it.
The key is that nothing will change and / or progress can be made unless acknowledgement and discussion occurs. Something I want and like about controversy (although not the heated kind) is where I learn and am exposed to differing points of views. I love learning new things. Many of us don’t know what we don’t know, about each other, about certain situations, and even facts.
To me, good controversy is where we learn something new. We open up to new ideas and differing opinions. We are willing to question our assumptions and / or beliefs. This concept, is discussed more in Adam Grant’s new book, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know.
Growth often happens when we are outside our comfort zone. We all need to stretch ourselves to be open and curious and willing to listen, really listen to each other. We often stay stuck in the same place with the same thoughts without hearing other people’s perspectives and stories. Sometimes we avoid controversy because we think we already know the answers, sometimes because we don’t have the time, or sometimes because we are afraid it will make us uncomfortable or lead to big out of control emotions.
Good controversy occurs when you can do it safely. Hopefully with people who you trust and will be respectful even if they don’t agree. We all love people who have very different opinions and beliefs than we do. It is much easier to hate and be mean to those with differing opinions who are not close to us. Can we be open to considering we are not right?
Parker had four questions to help in deciding if being intentional about controversy at a gathering makes sense:
1) What is this group avoiding?
2) What is the gift of facing it?
3) What is the risk in facing it?
4) Is the gift worth the risk?
I like these questions because they help you get clear about the risks and rewards of some controversy. It may not make sense or be worth the risks. Any controversy needs to have a level of trust amongst the participants for it to be of value. Most of us have been burned or hurt by being vulnerable and wanting to talk about something and it not going well and then regretting even trying to engage in some controversy.
If I reframe controversy as a path to learning and growth I am more willing to try it but I admit my fear and discomfort over fighting or yelling or hurt feelings makes me wary. Just thinking about desiring controversy and embracing the positive aspects and rewards of it is a first step for me since I would say I value peace and getting along pretty highly. This idea got me thinking though about how often we “keep the peace” and don’t talk about things that may be controversial which is a negative because it keeps us stuck and does more harm than good.
Most things are not black and white, either or. They are usually MUCH more complex and multifaceted than we give them credit for. We want a simple yes or no answer and sometimes that is not possible. Maybe it does depend. Let’s try to be open to the messiness and complexities of things.
I would love to hear your thoughts on what good controversy is? Have you experienced it? What helped make it happen? How can we agree to disagree but still listen and learn and be open to differing ideas and opinions? Any advice for someone like me who usually avoids it?
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