Getting through and surviving my divorce was the hardest thing I have ever done to date in my life.
Here are my words of advice to someone going through that or who will go through it.
1. Give yourself permission and make the time and space to feel what you feel. I have never cried so many tears. It is a loss. You are allowed to grieve. Allow yourself to be sad, confused, angry, or resentful. Whatever it is your feel, notice it, and allow it to be and flow through you.
2. Related to #1, journal or have some way to express and process what you feel and what you need. Writing has been proven to help people move on in a healthy and positive way.
3. Make time for you and prioritize self-care. Put your oxygen mask on first! Yes, I know that this is challenging, especially if you have children and they are upset and struggling too. But you need to take care of yourself so that you will be better able to help them. You will also serve as a good example and role model for them.
4. Ask for and get the help you need from friends and family you trust and / or paid professionals. Many people may want to help you, but they don’t know how or what to do. Or they do the wrong things. Tell people you trust what you need and want. Depend on others maybe more than you are comfortable with and know in your heart that you will do the same for them or someone else who needs it someday.
5. KNOW and remind yourself often that this is going to get better. For whatever the reasons are, this divorce is happening. As someone who did make it through, I can assure you that it will get better. Yes, you are sad and upset and possibly depressed now, but this is happening for a reason and you will feel better eventually.
6. Learn the lessons from this. There are always things to learn from every situation, especially painful ones. Don’t waste time and energy on regrets or questioning the past but take with you the good times and the lessons you have learned and what will serve you to live a better life going forward.
7. Get to know yourself and what makes you happy. Get quiet and still and listen. What do you want? What do you REALLY want? What makes you happy? What are you looking forward to? What small or big steps can you take towards these things? It was not until after my divorce that I finally started thinking about and doing what I wanted instead of trying to please everyone else and meet their expectations. This was easier to do as a single person. I did not know myself and what made me happy. I had lost myself before the divorce.
8. Be kind to yourself. Imagine your best friend is going through a divorce. What would you say to them? What would you try to do for them? Do that for yourself. Be forgiving of your mistakes and missteps. Learn from them but then let it go. Shame and guilt and harsh judgement don’t help anyone. Let go of the past and move forward.
9. Be where you are and don’t feel like you have to figure it all out. One step at a time. Just make it through today, or this hour, or this minute. You can do that. Trust that you will know what the next step will be at the right time.
10. Do what you can and keep going. Remember, when going through hell, just keep going! It will get better. I promise.
Remember that you are love and you are loved and nothing can ever change that.
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After writing this I realized how good this advice is at all times and should be used consistently.
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